Sai's Horror Movie Survival Guide
by Llama Queen Katie
Summary: It's Halloween, and a bunch of our favourite ninja decide to go to the Uchiha complex to spend the night, despite Sasuke's warnings of something dangerous. CRACK HORROR FIC! Contains character death, implied yaoi and yuri, and loooots of humour! Beware!
1. Author's Note

**Here is my Halloween fic for the year of 2010! I wrote one a few years ago for a different fandom, but I made the mistake of adding my own OC's from previous fics I'd written for that fandom, so I only got a couple of reviews. XD Anyway, this is way different.**

**This will basically be a crack horror fic, making fun of horror movies/books and the Naruto characters at the same time. There is very little seriousness in here, and pretty much all of the seriousness that is here is unavoidable. You'll see what I mean. The time period is...ummm...well, I guess it's at some point in Shippuden, seeing as Sai is a fairly main character, but Sasuke's in Konoha, so...I dunno. Maybe he just never left in the first place? Yeah...that could work...I should really start thinking these things through before I write them down.**

**The plot: It's Halloween night, and our favourite characters have decided to do something very scary; they're going to spend the night in the mostly abandoned Uchiha complex! Sasuke warns the others of a dangerous danger, but they don't listen. Sai has a rule book that could save everyone's lives...if they feel like listening to him. Shikamaru is a non-believer...poor guy. A total crack horror fic from start to finish! WARNING: Contains character death and implied yaoi & yuri. Enjoy!**

**The background story: I came across this website that had a "Horror Movie Survival Guide" and something like 308 tips on, well, horror movie survival. As I was reading them, I got the idea to use some of them in a Naruto fanfic, and wrote down the possibly relevant ones, which I will now be using in this fanfic. XP**

**The pairings: SasuNaru, KibaHina, NejiTen, ShikaTem, InoSaku, and SaiLee (sort of). If you don't like one or more of these pairings, don't worry because it's a crack fic! Romance isn't important here, and nothing incredibly explicit will happen, which is why I only said "implied" yaoi & yuri. The couple that the most attention will be given to is SasuNaru, but even then, it doesn't really play THAT big a role. It's mostly just allusions to things. XP**

**I think that's everything I needed to say...so click the little button to take you to the next chapter, and this fanfic will begin! Enjoy!**


	2. Sai's Horror Movie Survival Guide

**Sai's Horror Movie Survival Guide**

October was nearly over. Such fun events as Naruto's birthday and Anko's birthday had passed, as well as the sad event of Asuma's birthday, and the disturbing event of Orochimaru's birthday. It was now October 30th, the day before Halloween, and the Konoha 12 (as well as Temari) were sitting around, telling horror stories.

"She opened the closet," Kiba was saying, looking around at his friends with a wild grin. Ino and Sakura were holding each other in fear as Kiba told his story. Naruto was sitting in Sasuke's lap, leaning up against the other boy, who had his arms wrapped around the blonde. Both of them were staring intently at Kiba. Shikamaru and Temari – who had decided to take a short trip down to Konoha in September to wish Shikamaru a happy birthday, and then just never left – sat a little ways away from the rest of the group, looking utterly bored. Chouji sat beside Ino and Sakura, munching away on his chips, and Shino sat beside Chouji, though it was impossible to tell his reaction to the story being told. Hinata was curled up close to Kiba, hanging on to his arm with a death grip. Neji sat with an arm around Tenten, who was leaning close, and Lee sat directly in front of Kiba, eyes glued to his face.

"And then what?" Lee asked. "She opened the closet, and...?"

Kiba's grin widened. "And screamed." Here, he let out a bloodcurdling scream, which made everyone jump, especially Hinata. "Because there, hanging in the closet...was her dead husband!"

Hinata screamed, burying her face in Kiba's chest. Kiba wrapped his arms around her, holding her close, a grin on his face. Hinata's scream made both Ino and Sakura scream as well. Kiba laughed. Temari rolled her eyes. Shikamaru yawned.

"Doesn't anyone have anything that's actually scary?" he asked.

"I have something, Sasuke said, surprising everyone, "and it's supposed to be true, as well."

"Alright, let us hear it!" Lee exclaimed, moving so he was right in front of Sasuke and Naruto.

"Everybody in Konoha knows of the mysterious Uchiha district," Sasuke started, his voice low and creepy, "yet very few outsiders have ever seen the inside of it, and of those who have, not one has dared spend the night. There is a very simple reason for this; they were warned about the curse."

"The curse?" Shikamaru repeated, raising an eyebrow, and Sasuke nodded.

"The curse states: _Beware, ye not of Uchiha blood; if thou shalt eat a single meal, thine life the evilness shalt steal_."

"What evilness?" Naruto asked, turning his head to look at his boyfriend. "I've been over there lots of times, spending the night and eating with you, and I'm still here."

Sasuke shrugged. "I never said I believed the curse," he said, "I just told all of you what it is."

"Rule 280 of the Horror Movie Survival Guide," Sai said, popping up out of nowhere with an open book in his hands. He nearly scared everyone to death. " 'If someone tells you a tale about a monster that used to hunt and kill people right around this area, don't say you don't believe it'."

"Where the hell did you come from, Sai?" Naruto exclaimed, clinging tightly to Sasuke. "And what are you going on about? We're not in a horror movie, this is real life!"

Sai snapped the book closed, making all the girls – except Temari – jump. "True, but it's still generally a good rule to follow."

"Well guess what?" Shikamaru said. "I don't believe in ghosts or monsters or other supernatural crap." Sai flipped through a few pages in his book.

"Well, that's too bad, because rule number 59 of the guide says: 'Skeptics are always proved wrong in some horrible, nasty, painful way. Be a believer'."

"Whatever," Shikamaru said. "I still don't believe."

"Hey, you know what we should do tomorrow?" Naruto said excitedly. His friends all looked at him. "We should totally spend the night...in the Uchiha complex!"

"N-Naruto," Hinata stuttered, "I...I don't think that's really a good idea."

"Don't be such a scaredy-cat, Hinata," Naruto told her. "It's not like anything bad is going to happen. Besides, exploring abandoned areas is fun!"

"Naruto's right," Shikamaru said. "Nothing's going to happen, and it sure as hell beats sitting around, telling crappy horror stories. Who's in?"

"I should probably inform you all of rules number 22 and 7," Sai said, flipping through his little book. "Rule number 7: 'If the gang plans a "fun" midnight party in the town's old abandoned mansion, don't tag along. Especially don't tag along if everyone's going as couples, except you're the odd guy/gal out'. That pretty much describes myself, Chouji, Lee, and Shino right there."

Chouji looked around. "I didn't really want to go anyways," he said, "so I'll be safe."

Lee looked at Sai. "Would you like to be my boyfriend? At least for tomorrow night, so that way we will both be safe."

Sai thought about it for a moment. "Okay," he said, "sure. But there's still the matter of rule number 22..."

Shikamaru sighed. "Well, go ahead. Tell us what that one says."

"It says: 'If you find a town which looks deserted, it's probably for a reason. Take the hint and stay away'."

"Then we're in luck," Sasuke said. "The Uchiha complex isn't deserted; I still live there."

"And me too sometimes," Naruto added.

"The rule simply states if the town looks deserted," Lee pointed out. "It does not say anything about if it really is deserted or not."

"It doesn't matter anyway," Shikamaru said. "That list can't be real, seeing as monsters and crap don't exist."

Lee gasped. "Did you not listen to rule number 59, Shikamaru? I do not want you do die!"

"Lee, we are shinobi," Shikamaru reminded him. "We could all die at any moment, and we have to accept that."

Somewhere, ominous music was playing.

"Did you guys hear that?" Naruto asked nervously.

"Shut up, Naruto," Sasuke instructed, "we're not at the scary parts. It isn't even Halloween yet. And Shikamaru, stop all the foreshadowing. You too, Sai."

"So am I the only one on my own now?" Shino asked.

"Yep," Chouji replied. "I chickened out for my safety."

Shino sighed. "Well, I won't chicken out. At least I'm being included in something."

"How about the rest of you?" Naruto asked. "Are you in?" There was a chorus of muttered "Yes"es and "May as well"s. Naruto grinned. "Then it's settled," he said. "We meet at the entrance to the Uchiha complex tomorrow night at 9." Everybody agreed, and the crowd dispersed.

**XXXXXXXXXXXXX**

The next night, Naruto, Sasuke, Sakura, Ino, Shikamaru, Temari, Neji, Tenten, Lee, Sai, Kiba, Hinata, Akamaru, and Shino all me up at the entrance to the Uchiha complex, just as Naruto had suggested.

"Come on in," Sasuke said once everybody had gathered, and they all followed him in. Naruto walked beside Sasuke, holding the older boy's hand.

"Do you really think something is going to come and eat everyone if we stay the night here?" the blonde asked. Sasuke took a while to answer.

"I don't know, Naruto," he said finally. "The only non-Uchiha who's ever stayed the night here is you, but you're always right beside me, so maybe that keeps you safe. Who's to say that just because it's a legend, it can't be true?"

"Rule number 139," Sai said, popping up in between Naruto and Sasuke, and nearly giving the two boys heart attacks. " 'All myths and legends have a basis in fact'."

"You've got to stop doing that, Sai!" Naruto exclaimed. "Honestly, if you keep sneaking around, we'll all have a better chance of you scaring us to death than of dying from some monster that probably doesn't exist."

"Don't say it doesn't exist," Sai warned, "or else you'll be one of the first ones to die."

"You're the only one who actually believes this book crap," Sasuke said to Sai. "Besides, Naruto didn't say the monster doesn't exist, he said it probably doesn't exist. That's not the same thing."

"Umm, Sasuke?" Naruto started. "We passed your house."

"That's because we're not going there," Sasuke replied. "If we're going to do this right, we've got to go to a house that really is deserted. Besides, my place isn't big enough to fit us all."

"It seems plenty big every time I'm there," Naruto muttered.

Sasuke grinned. "That's because it's just the two of us, idiot, and we're always in the same bed. There are only three rooms in my house, and in order to fit everyone, we need seven rooms – or, at least, that many beds."

"Hey, I just realized something," Kiba said to the group. "There are 13 of us here, not including Akamaru."

"Isn't there some superstition somewhere that 'if thirteen people sit to dine, the first to rise will be the first to die'?" Neji asked. Everybody was silent for a long while.

"It's just a superstition," Shikamaru said finally. "It can't be real."

"And even if it is," Temari added, "it's easily avoidable. All we do is eat at two different tables."

"Only one problem," Sasuke said, stopping in front of a large house. "This place has just one table."

Everybody stopped and looked at the house in front of them. Kiba whistled. "It's huge," he said. Akamaru barked in agreement.

"This is the house we're staying in?" Sakura asked incredulously.

"I didn't even know this house existed," Naruto said.

"Well, why don't we all stop staring and head inside?" Ino suggested, walking to the door of the house with Sakura's hand in hers. She opened the door, and screamed.

Everybody looked at her in concern. "Ino, what's wrong?" Sakura asked, putting a hand on her girlfriend's shoulder.

"It...it's...it's so dirty!" Ino squealed in terror. A collective sigh ran through the group, and both Temari and Shikamaru facepalmed.

"Well, of course it's dirty," Sasuke said, pushing past Ino and walking in. He left footprints in the dust, making Ino shudder. "It's been empty for about ten years, and it's not like I've ever had any reason to clean any of these houses but my own."

"Even that you don't do often," Naruto said with a grin as he followed Sasuke.

"More often than you do," the Uchiha retorted.

"You should've cleaned it before you brought us all here!" Ino exclaimed, walking in with Sakura and shuddering as her feet left footprints in the dust as well. The others followed.

"Well, we can all clean up now," Sakura suggested. "It would give us something to do til midnight."

"Midnight?" Shino repeated. "Why midnight?"

Sakura shrugged. "Isn't midnight when everything happens?"

"This isn't a horror movie or anything," Shikamaru said, "so I don't see what the time of day has to do with anything."

"Well, in any case," Temari said, "Sakura's right. We do need something to do, and the house does need some cleaning, so we may as well get to it!"

The others groaned, Naruto groaning the loudest. But then Temari reminded everyone that they were shinobi, and that most of them could use some sort of ninjutsu to make it all go faster.

"Can't we just get someone to use genjutsu on all of us to make us think the place is clean?" Kiba asked. "That way those of us who don't have any useful jutsu for this won't have to work."

"If we did that, the hosue would still be messy by the time we were released from the genjutsu," Shikamaru replied.

"Then maybe those of us who can't help can be put under," Kiba suggested, "while everyone else cleans."

Sasuke handed Kiba a bucket and a mop. "I don't have any jutsu to help me either, but you don't see me complaining, do you? Now start cleaning."

Kiba muttered something that sounded like "stupid, arrogant Uchiha," then stalked off to clean.

"Multi-Shadow Clone Jutsu!" Naruto declared happily, and instantly there were about 100 Naruto clones cleaning up. Shino got his insects to form clumps and start moving garbage into the garbage cans. Sai drew a bunch of animals, which then scurried about, cleaning up. Shikamaru used his Shadow Sewing Jutsu to pick up multiple brooms at once, and began sweeping. Lee took off the weights on his legs and became a green blur as he raced around the house and cleaned. Sasuke, Sakura, Ino, Temari, Neji, Tenten, and Hinata didn't have any jutsu that could help them clean faster, so they all just got started. Kiba was already cleaning, and muttering to himself as he did so.

"Hey, guys!" Naruto called out after about an hour. Everybody stopped what they were doing and tried to find the Naruto that spoke. It didn't take long, as one of the Narutos was holding an old skull in his hands. "This guy looks like he got burned to death or something." Naruto then mimicked a guy burning in a fire. "Help me, help me!" he cried out in a sarcastic voice, then laughed. Nobody laughed with him.

"Naruto," Sai warned, "rule number 21 says, 'Don't make fun of or play with dead things.' I think you should go put your little 'friend' back wherever you found him."

Naruto scoffed. "Oh, please. It's not like anything bad is going to happen because of this. That's just a book, after all, it's not like it knows anything."

"That's what Akira thought, too," Sai said sadly. Everybody looked at him.

"Who's Akira?" Kiba asked, and Sai sighed.

"She was this girl I met a while back," he replied. "She decided that it would be fun to see if the book was wrong. She read every one of the tips and did exactly what it told her not to."

"And...what happened?" Hinata asked quietly.

Sai smiled. "It doesn't matter. The point is, the book never lies."

"So did she die or something?" Kiba asked.

"It doesn't matter," Sai repeated.

"On that happy note, let's break for dinner," Sasuke suggested, and they did so. After dinner, Shikamaru was the first person to stand up.

"MORE proof that you'll die first!" Sai said, and Shikamaru rolled his eyes.

"Whatever." They all got back to cleaning.

"Hey, guys, look what I found." Everybody turned to see Shikamaru standing there, a puzzle box in his hands.

"That's cool," Temari said, "but can you open it?"

Shikamaru laughed. "Can I open it? Temari, you're forgetting who you're talking to here. I can solve any puzzle I put my mind to."

"This looks kinda complicated," Temari said disbelievingly. "Are you sure you can do it?"

"No puzzle box can stop me from getting inside it," Shikamaru replied.

"Prove it," Temari challenged, and her boyfriend grinned.

"Whatever you say." He set to work trying to open the puzzle box. Naruto's clones all finished cleaning.

"Hey, what's this?" Sakura asked, picking up a book. "_Quam voco Adnihilo_? What is that supposed to mean?"

"Sounds Latin," Sasuke said.

"Well, that's not very helpful." Sakura frowned. "Unless, of course, anybody here speaks Latin."

"I think I have a translation dictionary," Sai said, rummaging around in the bag he brought with him.

"Do you always carry around a Latin translation dictionary?" Naruto asked as everyone stared incredulously at Sai.

"No," Sai replied, "but I had a feeling it might come in handy tonight, so I brought it. Aha!" He pulled out a little green book and opened it. "What was that book called, Sakura?" he asked.

Sakura looked back at the book in her hands. "_Quam voco Adnihilo_," she replied, then looked back up at Sai, watching as he flipped through the book in search of the translation.

"Roughly translated," he said finally, "it means '_How to Summon Demons_'."

"What?" Temari said. "Give me those." She took both the dictionary and the summoning book. She opened the summoning book and started reading one of the incantations. She tried translating it, and laughed. "Hey, guys, listen to this:

_We feel no fear  
Let us bring you here  
To open the gate  
And show us our fate_."

"Temari, no!" Sai exclaimed. "Rule number 3 states: 'Never read a book of demon summoning aloud, even as a joke'! You probably just doomed us all!"

Temari laughed. "You don't still swear by that book, do you Sai? Nothing happened to Naruto after he mocked that skull, so why should I believe anything will happen from me reading that ridiculous incantation? Besides, I didn't even read it in its original language, so it shouldn't count."

No sooner did she say this than the lights all went out. Sakura, Ino, and Hinata all screamed.

"What did I tell you?" Sai asked.

"Oh, shut up," Temari snapped. "This is a coincidence, nothing more."

"L-let's go see if we can turn the lights on from the basement," Sakura suggested, trembling and holding onto Ino.

"Good idea," Sasuke said. "Hey, Sai, you got any flashlights in that bag of yours?"

"Yes," Sai replied, "but rule number 4 says: 'Don't search the basement, especially when the power has just gone out'."

"Have you memorized that damn book?" Kiba exclaimed. "You must be insane!"

"Besides, what could possibly go wrong?" Naruto asked. "Let's go into the basement. It'll give us something to do."

Everyone else agreed, and Sai sighed. "You guys are going to get us all killed with your idiocy," he announced, then followed the others after handing a flashlight to Sasuke, who took the lead.

Getting down the stairs was difficult, having only on flashlight at the front of the group, but it was also the safest part of the basement journey. Once everybody reached the bottom, they all stopped.

"Okay, everybody hang on to each other," Sasuke instructed. Naruto took Sasuke's free hand, while Sakura gripped the arm of the hand Sasuke was holding the flashlight in. Hinata took Naruto's other hand, while Kiba took Hinata's hand. Ino took Sakura's hand, Shikamaru took Ino's hand, and Temari took Shikamaru's arm of the hand holding the puzzle box. Sai took Kiba's hand, Lee took Sai's hand, Neji took Lee's hand, and Tenten took Neji's hand. Shino took Temari's hand, and Akamaru walked behind the group.

"It's dark and scary down here," Sakura pointed out, tightening her grip on Sasuke and Ino.

"This was a bad idea," Sai muttered. "Not only is there that rule against basements, but rule number 38 says 'Never, EVER go in/out there', and rule number 45 says, 'Do NOT go into the dark room'."

"Sai, seriously, shut up!" Kiba exclaimed. "You're really not helping! This basement is freaky enough already without you making us imagine even freakier things!"

"Okay, this isn't going to work with such a huge group," Sasuke said, stopping. "Naruto, Neji, Hinata, Kiba, and Shino, you all come with me. Everyone else, stay here."

"Wait!" Sai called. "Rule number 6 says-"

"I don't care what rule number 6 says!" Sasuke yelled. "You and that stupid rulebook are starting to get on my nerves!"

"But rule number 178 says: 'Always listen to the crazy man warning you something bad is going to happen, because he's probably right'!"

Sasuke groaned. "Fine. Go ahead. Tell me why it's a bad idea to split up this insanely large group, making it easier to search the basement."

Sai cleared his throat. "Rule number 6 says: 'When you have to benefit of numbers, never pair off or go alone'."

Sasuke blinked. "That's it?" Sai nodded. "That's really it?" Sai nodded again. "That's so stupid!" Sasuke exclaimed. "It says not to do something, but it won't say why? Alright, come on Naruto, Neji, Hinata, Kiba, and Shino, we're going on our own."

"Hey, don't take the light away!" Ino exclaimed.

"Yeah!" Shikamaru agreed. "I need it to finish solving this puzzle box!"

"Well, that will have to wait." With that, Sasuke and his little group left, taking the only flashlight with them.

After about five minutes of standing around in the dark, the lights came back on. Everybody cheered as Sasuke and his group came back, completely unharmed.

"See, Sai? What did I tell you?" Sasuke said with a grin. "We're all fine."

Just then, there was a loud growling noise. Everyone looked at Akamaru, who whined.

"It wasn't him," Kiba defended.

"Then what was it?" Ino asked nervously.

"I did it!" Shikamaru exclaimed. All the others jumped. "I solved the puzzle box!" Sure enough, the puzzle box in his hand was solved. There was a rumbling beneath their feet, and the ground started to shake.

"What did you do Shikamaru!" Temari exclaimed, clutching her boyfriend's arm.

"R-rule number 8," Sai started shakily, his eyes wide. "A-as a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell'."

"There's no evidence that this is because of my puzzle," Shikamaru said. "And there's also the fact that there's nothing saying the shaking was a portal to Hell opening."

"Oh, it was a portal to Hell, alright," a deep, unfamiliar voice growled. The 13 shinobi stiffened, then turned slowly as one. Everybody who had a boyfriend or girlfriend gripped that person's hand tightly, and poor Shino was left alone.

There, standing before them, were five of the scariest creatures any of them had ever seen. Well, except perhaps Neji and Tenten, who had had the unfortunate luck of seeing Lee naked on many occassions that one time Gai had convinced him that nakedness captured the true essence of youth.

"What...what the hell are those?" Shikamaru asked, basically summing up what everyone was thinking.

"Well, Sai?" Sasuke asked. "Since you seem to know everything there is to know about our current situation, why don't you tell us what those things are?"

"I don't know," Sai said. "I don't know what they are."

"Dude," one of the creatures said, "we're right here, you know."

"Yeah," another one agreed. "It's rude to talk about someone like he's not there."

Shikamaru blinked in surprise, completely silent.

"We're sorry," Sakura said. "So...what are you guys, then?"

The first creature grinned, showing pointed white teeth that looked very sharp. "Why, we're demons, of course."

"Oh," Sasuke said simply. They all just stood there for a moment, then the group of friends screamed and ran upstairs to the main part of the house. Ino was the last one up, and she slammed the door behind her, leaning against it and breathing heavily.

"Ino, you might not want to stand there," Sai told her.

"And why not?" Ino asked.

"Because rule number 216 says: 'If you happen to run into a house and lock the door with the monster behind you, DON'T stand near the door'."

"As if anything bad is going to happen because I chose to stand here," Ino said with a nervous chuckle. No sooner did the words leave her mouth than a set of claws stuck through the door on either side of her body. She shrieked and quickly got away from the door, hiding behind Sakura.

"I tried to warn you," Sai offered.

"Here's a warning for you: RUN!" Sasuke grabbed Naruto's hand and pulled him along, running outside the house. The others followed.

"Now...now what?" Sakura asked, thoroughly freaked out. All eyes turned to Sia.

"Ummm...well, rule number 226 says: 'Try hard to recall any strange dreams you may have recently had. They will inevitably come into play at some point."

"Okay," Sasuke said, "so has anyone had any weird dreams lately?"

"Well," Naruto started, "there was this one I had a few nights ago..."

There was a sort of howling noise, and the front door to the house they'd just come out of suddenly came right off its hinges, and flew towards the group of them. Temari whipped out her fan and stood right between the door and her friends.

"Wind Scythe Jutsu!" she exclaimed, waving her fan at the door. It got chopped into tiny little bits, which then managed to avoid everyone.

The demons were standing on the inside of the house, staring out at Temari. The one in front howled again, and dozens more demons started popping out of nowhere.

"Maybe we should take this conversation elsewhere," Ino suggested, and Sasuke nodded.

"Good idea," he said. They all ran, and found another abandoned house to hide in.

"Keep away from the door!" Sai warned, and everybody heeded his warning this time.

"So what was that dream you started to tell us about, Naruto?" Sasuke asked once they'd all gotten a safe distance from the door.

"Huh? Oh, yeah." Naruto scratched the back of his head. "Well, now that I actually think about it, it probably has nothing to do with anything."

"Say it anyway," Kiba urged. "Now I'm curious."

"Yeah, and besides," Sai added, "you never know what could be relevant."

"No, trust me, this really won't help any of us," Naruto insisted.

"Just tell us already, idiot," Ino said.

"Yes, please tell us, Naruto," Lee agreed.

"At the very least, it'll keep our minds off of our situation," Tenten said, speaking for the first and probably last time in this story.

"She's right," Neji said.

Naruto frowned. "I'm not going to win this one, am I?" he asked.

Sasuke grinned. "Nope," he said, "Now tell us."

Naruto sighed. "Fine, but I'm telling you now, it won't make any sense at all."

"Get on with it!" Sakura exclaimed.

"Okay, okay! Alright, so it starts off with me standing in a field of roses by myself, and then I look up and see a whale, just sitting in a random chair. He looks at me, and he's all like, 'You must follow the pink ponies. They will lead you to freedom.' And before I can ask what the hell that was all about, he just disappears! Poof, he's gone! Then there's this cloud of angry bees, and they come buzzing towards me, saying something like, 'We will kiiiiiiilll you!' and then I'm suddenly on a cloud, and there are pink ponies there. I go to follow them, like the whale said, but then they suddenly get eaten by a bunch of killer pansies! As I stand there watching this, the pansies start spewing blood everywhere, and I'm standing in a pool of blood. And then I woke up."

Everybody stared in disbelief at Naruto, who shrugged. "Told you it probably had nothing to do with anything."

"What were you on when you had this dream, Naruto?" Sasuke asked. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard!"

"Hey, you guys asked," Naruto said defensively.

There was a knock at the door. "Who is it?" Lee called out. Sai covered Lee's mouth.

"Shh, don't say stuff like that!" he whispered. The door got kicked open, and a demon stood there. It grinned, then reached out to the group, its arm growing longer as it did so. It grabbed Shikamaru and pulled him along. Shikamaru was too surprised and scared to scream as the demon dragged him outside. The door slammed shut. There was silence for a split second, then Shikamaru screamed.

"SHIKAMARU!" Temari yelled, and ran outside, looking all around. The others followed her. Shikamaru was nowhere to be seen.

"He's gone," Sai said simply. Temari turned on him.

"SHUT UP!" she shrieked. "THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! YOU AND THAT STUPID RULEBOOK!"

"Actually, Temari," Ino said, "Sai's done nothing but help us. If you want someone to blame, blame Naruto for suggesting this."

"YOU SHUT UP TOO, YOU BITCH!" Temari snapped at Ino.

"Don't insult my girlfriend!" Sakura said indignantly, stepping right beside Ino and taking her hand.

"Stop it, all of you," Sasuke ordered sharply. The three girls looked at him. "Temari, I know you're upset that Shikamaru is gone, but don't go taking it out on the rest of us. Ino, Sakura, calm the hell down. Need I remind you all that we've still got a bunch of killer demons on our asses? It might help if we all stop bickering and focus on surviving the night."

"Why just the night?" Naruto asked.

"Because demons can't live in the sunlight," Sasuke replied.

Before Naruto could respond to that, the demons started coming towards them.

"Now might be a good time to mention rule 14," Sai said. " 'If you're running away from the monster, expect to trip or fall at least twice, more if you are female, Also note that, although you are running and the monster is merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you'."

"Soooo...in other words, we shouldn't run?" Sakura asked.

"No, definitely run," Sai said. "I'm just warning you now so it doesn't come as a surprise." With that, they ran, and sure enough, everyone tripped once, fell once, and the third time Ino fell, she twisted her ankle. Everyone ran on past her, until Sakura stopped and looked behind her.

"INO!" she exclaimed. Demons closed in around Ino. Somewhere, Orochimaru was singing Michael Jackson's "Thriller". Sakura ran towards her girlfriend and managed to pull her up.

Somehow, the remaining twelve shinobi made it safely into another house.

"This is insane," Naruto said breathlessly. "This never happens when I stay the night with Sasuke."

"You don't go opening portals to Hell, or reading demon summoning books," Sasuke pointed out.

"Are you trying to blame me and Shikamaru for this?" Temari asked incredulously. "It isn't our fault, right, Shikam-" She trailed off as she realized she was talking to thin air. Tenten put a hand on the Sand kunoichi's shoulder, but Temari shrugged it off. "I'm fine," she said bitterly. "Sasuke was right; we should all just focus on surviving til morning. Got any other good rules in there for us, Sai?"

Sai flipped through his book. "Hmm...let's see...well, here's one for Kiba. Rule number 34: 'Whatever you do, DO NOT keep pets such as cats, dogs, hamsters, or anything cuddly. If you must, then do not let them out of your sight for so much as a second'."

"That won't be a problem," Kiba said, putting a hand on Akamaru's back. "Akamaru and I are always together, right boy?" Akamaru barked in agreement.

"Anything else?" Shino asked.

"Nothing really relevant right now," Sai told him.

Just then, a door randomly opened. Everyone walked over to it and looked inside the room.

"Hey, a weapons room!" Tenten said excitedly, starting forward. Sai stopped her.

"Need I remind you of rule number 38, 'Never, EVER go in/out there'?" Tenten ignored him and continued inside the room. The door slammed shut behind her.

"TENTEN!" Neji exclaimed, and tried desperately to open the door. The most he succeeded in was breaking the handle. He stood back a ways and activated his Byakugan, staring right through the door. Hinata did the same.

"What is going on in there?" Lee asked.

"She's...she's just standing there," Neji replied. "I don't think she's even realized that the door closed."

"It looks like she's dancing the Macarena now," Hinata said.

"And now she's doing the tango with a katana," Neji added.

"She's weird," Naruto said. Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Oh, wait a second," Neji said, "the katana just flew out of her arms."

"And all the other weapons jumped up too," Hinata said.

"They're flying towards her...TENTEN, NO!" Neji tried again to open the door.

"Rejection hurts?" Kiba offered. Everyone but Neji gave a very small chuckle.

"Rule number 62, Kiba," Sai said. " 'Don't be a smart ass. It'll only get you killed'."

"Just trying to lighten the mood a little," Kiba muttered. The door opened and whacked Neji in the face. He flew back to the opposite wall. "Okay, I think that was better than anything I could've come up with," Kiba conceded, grinning.

The group rushed into the weapons room to see Tenten laying on the ground, thousands of weapons sticking out all over her body.

"Now she knows how it feels," Temari said softly.

"The weapons master was killed by weapons," Sasuke noted. "Definitely some irony in that."

"Let's just leave her here," Ino suggested. "It's not like she's ever really done anything particularly useful."

"Agreed," the others said. Neji was unconscious as a result of hitting his head on the wall, and Lee was kneeling beside his teammate, attempting to wake him, which is the only reason neither of them said anything against this remark.

There was a snuffling and scratching noise from behind another door just beside where Neji and Lee were. Neji woke with a start.

"Huhwazzat?" he said, looking all around.

"There seems to be something on the other side of that door," Shino said as he and the others came out to investigate. "Sounds like it wants out." He went to open the door.

"Wait!" Sai exclaimed. "Rule number 44: 'Don't open the closed door, especially if you hear scratching, heavy breathing, or any other strange noises from the other side'!"

"Huh?" Shino asked, turning the doorknob. "Why would that be...AHHHGGGHH!" As soon as the door was opened, a huge three-headed dog came racing out. Everybody managed to get out of the way, except for Neji, who got eaten by the dog.

"Holy crap!" Naruto exclaimed. "That's three deaths, pretty much one right after the other!"

"If we don't get the hell out of here, there are gonna be some more," Sasuke said as the three-headed dog finished eating Neji and started towards the other shinobi. Before it could get very far, however, Akamaru leaped forward and attacked the other dog. After a moment of stunned silence, the shinobi all started cheering Akamaru on, and shortly after, the bigger dog went totally limp.

"Good boy, Akamaru! You killed it!" Kiba exclaimed, and Akamaru walked happily over to his master, muzzle stained red with blood.

"Rule number 224," Sai said, " 'Never say "It's over", "It's dead", or "I killed it".' You keep breaking the rules, Kiba."

"Maybe because you never tell us the rules until we're halfway through breaking them," Kiba said as he tried to clean Akamaru's muzzle. "If you started telling us things in advance, or maybe even let us take a look at some of the rules, then maybe we wouldn't already have three of our friends dead."

Sai had no response to that.

"Is it really dead?" Shino asked, looking down at the dog. He moved forward and was about to nudge it with his foot, when Sai pulled him back. "Shino, rule number 1 of surviving horror movies: 'When it seems that you've killed the monster, never check to see if it's really dead'."

As if on cue, all six of the dog's eyes opened, and it jumped up, snarling. Shino screamed like a little girl and leaped into Sai's arms. In a flash, Lee was behind the dog, and slit all three of its throats with a kunai.

"Now," he said, "it is dead."

Shino hastily got down and stepped away from Sai. "Someone should go get some help," he said, "and since I'm the most likely to die next, seeing as I'm the only single one here, I may as well go."

"Only if you really want to die," Sai said. "Rule number 130 says: 'Don't volunteer to go for help', and rule number 259 says: 'Don't let anyone out of your sight. The guy who goes off alone always gets either killed or possessed'."

"Well, maybe it's for the best," Shino said. "It's not like I"m really wanted here, anyway, and besides, there's still a chance that I might manage to survive and tell someone what's happening."

"It's your funeral," Sai said with a shrug, and Shino left.

"Now what do we do?" Ino asked. The others shrugged. Suddenly, Akamaru started growling for no apparent reason.

"Akamaru, what's wrong, boy?" Kiba asked, looking at his dog in concern. Akamaru growled louder and barked a couple times.

"Kiba, get away from him," Sai said calmly. "Rule number 295 states: 'If your pet, or any animal nearby, begins acting edgy for any reason, take the hint and run the hell away'."

"It's just Akamaru," Kiba argued. "We've been buddies forever. I'm not afraid of him."

Sai shook his head. " 'Never announce openly that you're not afraid, you don't believe, or that you're fully prepared. You're just asking for it.' That's rule number 225."

Kiba looked up at Sai. "You know what? I think you're making these up. You're just pulling these rules out of your ass to make me look bad. There's no way Akamaru would do anything to me." At that exact second, Akamaru attacked Kiba, tearing his master's throat out. Once Kiba was dead, Akamaru seemed to snap out of it, and whined, nuzzling the Inuzuka boy's dead hand.

"Kiba!" Hinata dropped to her knees beside her boyfriend and started trying to heal him. Sakura put a hand on Hinata's shoulder.

"Hinata," the pink haired girl said softly, "there's nothing you can do."

"Don't say that!" Hinata exclaimed, tears rolling down her cheeks. She kept trying, despite Sakura's words.

"What could possibly have made Akamaru do something like that?" Ino asked.

"He wouldn't," Naruto replied. "That can't have been him."

"He must have been possessed," Sasuke agreed, "but how? When? There was always someone watching him..."

"The blood," Temari said. "It must have been the blood from that other dog. A few drops probably made their way down Akamaru's throat, and possessed him for a few moments."

"Enough of this doom and gloom!" Lee announced. "Let us move on, to a different house where we can attempt to escape this madness."

The others agreed, and they left Akamaru whining there as they walked out the door of that house.

After another chase scene between them and the demons – during which, Sakura, Ino, and Hinata each fell four times and the others only twice – the group of 8 remaining friends made it to another house.

"Is this one far enough away that they won't be able to get us?" Naruto asked, breathing heavily.

"It should be," Sasuke said. "We're almost on the other side of the Uchiha complex now, in an area even I've never been."

"Well, that's reassuring," Temari said sarcastically as she yawned.

"We should be safe enough to sleep for a bit," Sasuke said, "though it might be wise to have at least two people on guard duty, just in case."

"I vote that the boys do it," Ino said, already laying on the dust covered couch. She was so tired that she didn't even care she was getting dirty. "Us girls need our beauty sleep. Well – except maybe Temari."

"Ino, lay off of her, will ya?" Sakura pleaded. "We don't need to fight amongst ourselves, not when we're hoping desperately that the evil creepy demons won't get us."

"Anybody want some tea?" Hinata asked. "I'm not tired anyway."

"Hinata, rule number 118: 'If you are trapped in a house surrounded by demons, making tea will not help anyone'."

"But we're not surrounded by demons just yet," Hinata said. "And besides, it'll help calm us."

"She's got a point, Sai," Sasuke said. Sai shrugged.

"Okay, go ahead. Go against what the book says. You'll just end up like Kiba."

Hinata gave a small gasp and turned away. Naruto punched Sai.

"What the hell?" the blonde Jinchuuriki exclaimed. "You know she's upset about Kiba, you can't just go around saying crap like that!"

"I found a board game!" Lee announced happily, holding up a box. "Now we can keep ourselves entertained!"

"Alright, sounds good to me," Naruto said, walking away from Sai.

Ino groaned. "What, no sleep?"

"You may sleep if you wish," Lee said, "but we will be playing here."

"Playing a board game is safer than sleeping anyway," Temari said with a shrug. "At least this way we'll be less vulnerable if anything manages to get in."

Ino gave in and joined the game, which was miraculously an 8-player game. Halfway through, however, things got a little weird.

"Ha!" Ino exclaimed triumphantly. "I knocked you back to start! Now I'll win for sure!" She stuck her tongue out at Temari, who let out a feral snarl and leaped across the table, attacking Ino. Ino screamed. "Get off of my, you crazy bitch!"

Sakura yanked Temari away. "Stop it!" she yelled.

"Sakura," Sasuke said, his eyes wide, "I don't think that was really the best of ideas."

"She was attacking my Ino," Sakura replied. "I had to stop her."

"Look at her eyes, Sakura," Sasuke said. "That's not Temari in there. She's been possessed, like Akamaru was."

Temari got up and started towards Sakura, who straightened up.

"Come and get me, then," the pink haired kunoichi dared. Temari snarled again and launched herself at Sakura, sending them both sprawling to the ground. They grappled for a bit, then Sakura slit Temari's throat. Unfortunately, she put too much force on the blade, and it struck her in the neck too.

"Sakura!" Ino exclaimed, pushing Temari's dead body away and kneeling over her girlfriend.

"You won't be able to heal me," Sakura said breathlessly, "so don't try. I did this for you, Ino."

"You know," Sai said in a matter-of-fact tone, "rule number 58 states that 'Self-sacrifice is a bad idea, as the person you saved will usually die anyway'."

Sakura glared up at Sai. "Way to ruin the mood, asshole," she rasped. Sai just shrugged. Ino kissed Sakura fiercely.

"I love you," she told the dying girl. "I always will."

"Goodbye, Ino."

"Goodbye, Sakura." With that, the pink haired kunoichi died.

Sai burst into laughter. Everybody glared at him. "Sorry," he said, wiping tears of laughter away. "It's just so...so...cheesy!" He laughed harder. "Sad, yes, but cheesy!"

Ino got up. "I'm going to go take a bath," she announced. Sai stopped laughing.

"Are you really that keen on dying?" he asked. "There are three rules against that. Rule number 47 only half applies, but 'While in a horror film, never bathe, especially when in the house alone.' You're not alone, but it's still a good idea to stay away from bathing, because rule number 49 says, 'If you are a female, never show your breasts. Easy women are expendable.' And if that's not enough, there's also rle number 125, which says, 'If you are female and just found any of your friends dead by any means, it's probably not the time to get naked and take a bath'."

"I'm covered in blood and dust and dirt, Sai," Ino pointed out. "I'm not just going to be filthy the rest of the night." With that, she walked off to find a bathtub.

Sai shrugged. "I warned her," he said simply.

"This whole thing is insane," Sasuke said.

"Yes," Lee agreed, "I almost do not believe it to be real."

"So what exactly are we doing now?" Naruto asked.

"Waiting for Ino to realize that the water she's bathing in is actually blood," Sai answered. "Once that happens, a rotting hand will come up from the drain and pull her head down, drowning her. Any second now, we'll hear her scream."

Almost as soon as Sai said that, Ino screamed from down the hall.

"And there it is," Sai said. "We can just leave now."

"Anything we should know before we do?" Sasuke asked.

"Let's see...rule number 29 says, 'On no account to ANYTHING because someone dares you to'."

"I learned that the hard way last winter when Kiba dared me to lick a frozen pole outside," Naruto said, wincing at the memory. "It hurt."

"Rule number 122: 'Never go skinny dipping, especially at night'." All eyes turned to Lee, who blushed.

"It was a one time thing," he said. "I do not plan on doing it again."

"There are two more," Sai said. "Rules number 97 and 193: 'Turning around in general is a bad idea, as the monster is usually waiting right there for you', and 'Never walk backwards'."

"Alright, let's go!"

The group of now 5 friends left that house, and immediately there were dozens of demons chasing them. After Hinata tripped and fell down the fifth time, the boys didn't notice, and just kept running.

Hinata picked herself up off the ground shakily, then stiffened. She heard heavy breathing right behind her, and felt hot breath on the back of her neck. Slowly, she turned around, ignoring Sai's advice not to. There was, of course, a demon standing right there. It grinned.

"Hey there, hottie," it said. "Wanna play with me?"

Hinata shook her head as she backed up slowly. She gasped as she bumped into something solid, and turned to see a second demon. She spun all around, and there were demons closing in on every side. Orochimaru was singing "Thriller" again. Hinata screamed.

"Don't look behind you," Sasuke told Naruto as the four boys ran. Naruto started to turn, but Sai blocked his view.

"Rule number 183: 'When someone tells you not to look behind you, don't.'"

Just then, two demons appeared in front of the boys, forcing them to stop in their tracks. One demon held a black notebook in his hands.

"Who do we have here?" the first demon asked.

"Let's start with the funny looking one!" the second demon suggested. The first grinned.

"Rock Lee, eh? Alright...Rock...Lee..." He wrote the name in the notebook. "Now...how should he die?"

"Oooh! Oooh! Hit by a bus!" the second demon said excitedly.

"No, no, that won't work in this world...hmm...how about...hangs himself?"

"Suicide's no fun," the second demon whined. The two demons bickered back and forth about how to kill Lee, and then Lee just dropped to the ground, dead. The demons looked at him.

"Damn," the first said. "We waited too long. He only died of a heart attack."

"Maybe we should figure out how they'll die before we write the names," the second said.

"Yeah, that could work."

Before the demons could go any further than that, however, Sasuke and Sai nodded at each other and stepped forward, each kicking a demon in the crotch. The three boys ran.

They almost made it, when Sai's rule book flew out of his hands and hit him over the head with enough force to kill him. Sasuke and Naruto looked at each other and shrugged, then Sasuke picked the book up.

"Are there any other useful tips in here?" he asked himself, flipping through the pages. "There's really only two." Without saying anything else, Sasuke walked into the nearest house and started breaking mirrors.

"What the hell?" Naruto exclaimed. "What's all this for?"

"Rule number 135," Sasuke explained, " 'Breaking mirrors usually makes a difference in horror movies'."

"Well, it doesn't seem to be making much of a difference right now," Naruto pointed out. "So what was the other rule you saw that seemed useful?"

"Umm...rule 84: 'Whenever a strange weapon is presented, TAKE IT! If you don't the monster will, and sooner or later the weapon WILL BE USED! Better you use it than the monster'."

"That's a long rule," Naruto said, and Sasuke nodded. The two boys stood there for a moment. "Wanna make out?" Naruto asked, and Sasuke shrugged.

"Sure," he said, and they proceeded to make out. Just as they were really getting into it, the door flew open. Sasuke sighed. "Not again," he complained. There were demons standing on the other side of the doorway. A metal spoon appeared in Sasuke's hand.

"What the hell?" he said eloquently, then dropped the spoon. He grabbed Naruto's hand, and they ran to yet another house, very close to Sasuke's house. They fell onto the nearest bed, laying there and panting.

"I don't want to run any more, Sasuke," Naruto said.

"Me neither," Sasuke agreed. The two boys closed their eyes and fell asleep for a bit. They woke up to the sound of doors being kicked in, yet again. A demon stood in the bedroom where Naruto and Sasuke lay, holding a spoon.

"Remember this?" it asked Sasuke. "This is the 'strange weapon' that you decided not to take. Now I've taken it, and I'll kill you with it!"

"Naruto, don't worry about me," Sasuke said. "Get yourself out of here."

"But Sasuke-"

"Go! I don't want you to have to see this!"

Naruto bit his lip and nodded. He kissed Sasuke one last time and booked it out of there, covering his ears so he wouldn't have to hear his boyfriend's screams. He tripped and fell on his face. Instead of getting up, he just let himself lay there, crying. He rolled over, and looked up to see three demons standing there.

"We're going to kill you now, Naruto, Naruto, Naruto, Naruto, Naruto..."

"...Naruto? Naruto? NARUTO!"

Naruto opened his eyes and saw Sasuke's concerned face hovering about him. He rubbed his eyes. "S-sasuke? You're alive?"

Sasuke blinked. "Of course I'm alive, idiot. You must've been having a bad dream. You were mumbling and screaming and crying for about an hour now, and I only just managed to wake you."

"Huh?" Naruto sat up and looked around. He was in Sasuke's bed, in Sasuke's room. "It...it was all just a dream?"

"Just a dream," Sasuke agreed. "You're perfectly safe now."

"Wait, what day is it?"

Sasuke frowned. "October 31st. It's Halloween morning. Why, what day did you think it would be?"

Sudden dread filled Naruto. "Are we doing anything tonight?" he asked.

"Have you already forgotten? The group of us is going to spend the night around here. You're the one who suggested it, Naruto."

Naruto jumped out of bed. "We have to cancel it," he said. "We have to tell everyone it's too dangerous to do this."

"Why? Because of Sai and his book of fake stuff?"

"It's not fake, Sasuke! I just had a dream – no, an nightmare – about tonight! Everything it Sai's book was true, and everybody died, and-"

Sasuke got up and kissed Naruto gently. "Calm down," he said softly. "It was just a dream. Nothing bad will happen tonight, you'll see."

Naruto sighed. "I guess you're right. I'm just being stupid." He grinned. "Let's have some fun!"

**END**

**I hope you all enjoyed that! I apologize for any mistakes in here...it's very late, and I'm very tired, but I had to post this now, otherwise I know I wouldn't get another chance before Halloween is over. Prizes to anyone who correctly guesses what and how I referenced in here! Please review and make a tired Llama Queen happy...oh, and have a Happy Halloween, wherever you are and whatever you're doing!**


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